warning: post may include vapid soliloquy (also: TL;DR)
The thoughts I had regarding this all have really left me feeling lost. Nevertheless, I continue. Thinking, breathing, living. And what do I have to show for it? Well, let others be the judge. I can’t so much as remember the last few days, caught in a haze of work, sleep and television. And still the computer glare dims my eyes. I feel like I’ve been slowing leaking out my mind into the electronic universe. What to do. Where to me. How to feel. Not so much empty, as muted. I drift, and stumble, bored and unamused. I want to feel. I want to participate. I just can’t seem to find myself. How long have I sat here, without regard for time and space and duty. Have I so easily lost my drive? Where has it all gone. Whether or not there’s to be an end of it, I do need a change. I need a change in scenery and in daily routine. A change in thoughts and feeling. A change.
So where to start. Where to begin looking for inspiration and for a release from doubt? Frustrated and seemingly hopeless, yet not. How much is it my own sense of melodrama and charades, and how much of it is simply my inability or simply desire to move on. To change. To accept the fact that so far the past four years have been lovely, but rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
Four years of experience, seeing the world, experiencing its tumultuous citizens. Beautiful memories, and painful scars etched like pink ribbons across my body and soul. Yet, I do not have any regrets. It has been a time of exploration and discovery, and I wish all who have crossed my path well. Forgive and try to forget. Others, remember and fondly nurture the thoughts of one day reuniting, somewhere, somehow. The past isn’t a threat. The past isn’t a fear, or a worry. The future is what makes my stomach turn, and my heart start to race.
The future. That unknowing tomorrow, full of wonder and terror and possibility. Yet, I feel reticent to pursue it. I feel that I am keeping myself back, keeping change at bay. Again, the question begs for what reason? Fear? Simple unknowing? As the final days dwindle down to fewer and fewer, I start to wonder where I will find myself this time next year. If I close my eyes and wonder, I can honestly say I see myself with a certain someone. Or at least, I hope to see myself standing next to them. The thought of being in Korea, still, or better yet, again, makes me feel uneasy. Is it the thirst for change and novelty, that pushes me? Or perhaps, a sense of urgency that I need to be somewhere specific, and that Korea is not that place? It all circles the maze back to the big question.
What will you do when you grow up? To write. That was the easy answer. To write and to share my life’s joys and discoveries, pains and heartaches. To give of myself, to pass on my life to the outside world. A need perhaps born out of my intense hermetic self, uncomfortable in the presence of many strangers, eager to retreat to the safety and cool haven of home. Writing is my connection. It is my umbilical cord with which I connect to you. To them. To all of us. Yet, so what. Write? Write what? Write how? Where to live? How to live? Can I truly get behind this endeavour and give it a proper, honest shot – at last? Here the fear of failure is strongest. My self-professed calling – picturing it crashed down on the rocks below, in dismal rejection – that thought sends my brain to red alert. What then? What is I can’t write? What if I don’t write well? What if they don’t like it. What if it doesn’t sell. What else?
Another desire, teaching. To connect and share with others. To pursue and enrich my own knowledge, while sharing, and learning, from those who are on earlier paths than mine. If I were to pursue a life of academia, would it be successful? Do I have what it takes to succeed? Am I smart enough, or good enough, or do I even have “it” in me?
Questions, questions – indecision. Are these all fear, or rooted in genuine concern? I can’t tell. I don’t think so. I sit and think, and think and wonder. What will the next year bring?